Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.

=============================

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.

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On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.

=============================

In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

=============================

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, 
And the Lord sent them manna. 
Clark Wallace wanted a wife, 
And the Devil sent him Anna.

===============================

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon me for not rising.

===============================

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

==============================

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

================================

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.

=================================

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

==================================

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

==================================

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

==================================

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.

==================================

In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent.
Until I know which way you went.

Classic Quotes by Al Capp (1909-1979) US cartoonist --

---

Abstract art is a product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.

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Any place that anyone can learn something useful from someone with experience is an educational institution.

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Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work.

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The public is like a piano. You just have to know what keys to poke.

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Young people should be helped, sheltered, ignored, and clubbed if necessary.

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Classic Quotes by Truman Capote (1924-1984) US writer --

All literature is gossip.

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Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.

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Fame is only good for one thing - they will cash your check in a small town.

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Finishing a book is just like you took a child out in the back yard and shot it.

=======================================================

Classic Quotes by Julius "Groucho" Marx (1890-1977) US comic, actor --

---

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

------------------------

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

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A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

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Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

------------------------

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

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And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.

------------------------

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

=========================================

Classic Quotes by Rutherford B. Hayes (1822-1893) US President (19) --

---

It is the desire of the good people of the whole country that sectionalism as a factor in our politics should disappear...

------------------------

He serves his party best who serves his country best.

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In avoiding the appearance of evil, I am not sure but I have sometimes unnecessarily deprived myself and others of innocent enjoyments.

Rules for Teachers in 1915 in the US --

1. You will not marry during the term of your contract.

2. You are not to keep company with men.

3. You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. unless attending a school function.

4. You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores.

5. You may not travel beyond city limits unless you have the permission of the chairman of the board.

6. You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother.

7. You may not smoke cigarettes.

8. You may not dress in bright colors.

9. You may under no circumstances dye your hair.

10. You must wear at least two petticoats.

11. Your dresses must not be any shorter than two inches above the ankle.

12. To keep the school room neat and clean, you must:

* sweep the floor at least once daily

* scrub the floor at least once a week with hot, soapy water

* clean the blackboards at least once a day

* start the fire at 7 a.m. so the room will be warm by 8 a.m.

(10/29/07)

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from National government employee performance evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

14. "He's been working with glue too much."

15. "He would argue with a signpost."

16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

28. "One neuron short of a synapse."

29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."

31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Just a few “thoughts.”

Comatose patients are prone to bed sores. 

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

You say this beverage is non-alcoholic, but where is the proof?

     
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

I didn't understand why my painter was working in dribs and drabs.

"Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing."

--Werner von Braun

---

"Even paranoids have real enemies."

--Delomore Schwartz

---

"Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when you're finished."

--Unknown

---

"Life is either a grand adventure or nothing."

--Helen Keller

---

"If it is to be, it is up to me."

--Ben Hogan, golf legend

---

"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards."

--Benjamin Franklin

---

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."

--Milton Berle

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.

---------------

When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane.

---------------

Life in common among people who love each other is the ideal of happiness.

---------------

More persons, on the whole, are humbugged by believing in nothing, than by believing too much.

---------------

Money is in some respects life's fire: it is a very excellent servant, but a terrible master.

---------------

Look at life with the eyes of a child.

---------------

Offensive speech, bad manners, and filthy toilets all seem to go together.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

  *****

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

  *****

I am neither for nor against apathy.

  *****

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't  make me happy.

  *****

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

  *****

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

  *****

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

  *****

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

  ******

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

  *****

One nice thing about egotists ... they don't talk about other people.

  *****

My weight is perfect for my height ... which varies.

  *****

I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.

  *****

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

  *****

How can there be self-help groups?

  *****

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

  *****

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

  *****

Is it just me, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?