DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BEEP TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BEEP!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. - Edmund Burke

"Truth has beauty, power and necessity." -- Sylvia Ashton-Warner

"Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared." -- Eddie Rickenbacker

Appreciate your life -- Appreciate all that you have, no matter how small. For there will always be someone who dreams of what you have.

Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married? The wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. - John Adams

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. - Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. - Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. - Winston Churchill

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. - Ronald Reagan

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! - P.J. O'Rourke

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. - Mark Twain

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. - Anonymous

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. - Edward Langley

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. - Aesop

Not many of us remember one of the great humorists of all time.  He also famously said (during the great depression)  We are the only nation in the history of the world to go to the poorhouse in an automobile, and Legislatures are kind of like animals in a zoo. You can't do anything about them.  All you can do is stand there and watch them.

He is always worth another read.

Good ole Will Rogers........no one could tell a story like he could. AND, so many of the things he said were and still are, absolutely correct…

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the greatest political sages this country has ever known.

Enjoy the following:

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

3.  No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

4. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

5. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

6. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

7. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

8. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

9. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

10. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 

11. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 

12. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

13. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

14. A backward poet writes inverse.

15.  In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

16. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

17. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

19. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in “Gone With The Wind,” it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."  "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

Light travels faster than sound.  This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

A bus station is where a bus stops.  A train station is where a train stops.  On my desk, I have a work station

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:"  I put "DOCTOR".

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive.  You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Always borrow money from a pessimist.  He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Some cause happiness wherever they go.  Others whenever they go.

I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not sure.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices.  Some see invisible people.  Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Webmaster Note: Yes, I had to look it up! :-)

PONDERISMS
10/01/10

Truth from aviators and other wise sources.
01/05/09

FOOD FOR THOUGHT
UNKNOWN
09/17/09

HUNKE QUOTES
07/29/09

CLASSIC QUOTES
(07/30/09)

WISDOM AT 90
by REGINA BRETT
(06 02 09)

COMMON SENSE
Author Unknown
03/13/09

AN OBITUARY PRINTED IN THE LONDON TIMES FOR THE PASSING OF THE COMMON SENSE...!!!~~~

SERIOUS ONE LINERS
(03/07/09)

Don't let your worries get the best of you;
Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited
Until you try to sit in their pews.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Many folks want to serve God,
But only as advisers.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose,
But mosquitoes come close.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

People are funny; they want the front of the bus,
Middle of the road,
And back of the church.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Quit griping about your church;
If it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or Judges.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Some minds are like concrete
Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Peace starts with a smile.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

I don't know why some people change churches;
What difference does it make which one you stay home from?

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

He who angers you, controls you!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

We don't change the message,
The message changes us.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

You can tell how big a person is
By what it takes to discourage him.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

There is no greater treasure than a good friend!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.

MORE QUOTES
(02/15/09)

Classic Quotes by Jackie Robinson (1919-1972) American baseball player

A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives.
--------------------
Above anything else, I hate to lose.
--------------------
Baseball is like a poker game. Nobody wants to quit when he's losing; nobody wants you to quit when you're ahead.
--------------------
How you played in yesterday's game is all that counts.
--------------------
I'm not concerned with your liking or disliking me... All I ask is that you respect me as a human being.
--------------------
Life is not a spectator sport. If you're going to spend your whole life in the grandstand just watching what goes on, in my opinion you're wasting your life.
===============================================

CLASSIC QUOTES
(02 02/09)